Updates, Updates

Yes, yes, despite my lack of posts, I am still alive.

Life has been surprisingly good during my absence. I was finally able to transfer to a new hospital, and so far it has been good. Of course there will always be co-workers who love to start drama, but I promised myself that I would try my best to stay away from those people and so far, I am doing great. I’ve also been happier, healthier, and since the pandemic has started to dwindle its devastating effects in life, I’ve started picking up the pieces. It will take time to fully heal, to fully feel alive again, but at least I am headed towards the right direction.

I am currently back in my birth country to attend my cousin’s wedding. I wasn’t looking forward to it, to be honest, but it has been positive so far. I’ve missed my old life, and seeing my best friend again was something I truly feel thankful for. I really thought I was done with this place, but now I know that a part of me will always belong here.

So yes, I am still alive. The only difference is that now, I am actually living.

My story so far.

In my 40 years of existence here on Earth, I have learned quite a few lessons in life. Some of them are good, but majority, unfortunately, shook my core and changed me forever. In no way, shape, or form am I saying that I am a victim, or naïve. I think it’s the fact that I consider myself smart and unyielding that caused me to be unguarded and vulnerable to the harsh realities in life.

I met a lot of people, each one different than the next, and most of them I fought hard to keep in my life. I lost most of them — some I lost because distance did not make the heart grow fonder. There are a good chunk of them I lost because of well, me being who I am. Most people think of me as someone who is blunt and rough. I am unapologetic, I say what’s in my head. That’s one lesson I learnt the hard way: Not everyone appreciates the truth. They want praise, accolade, rewards. They do not appreciate it if you tell them what most people say in hushed tones behind their backs. I learned how to distinguish who I can be 100% honest to. There aren’t many of them.

Second thing I learned: Even if you have just one friend, it’s okay, as long as he or she is true. Now at 41, I kept a minuscule group of people that I can call friends. You can count them by hand — it used to make me feel as if I’m pathetic, but now, I feel blessed to have them in my life. I will never trade them for anything.

Third: You are who you are, and it’s okay that the rest of the world does not accept you, as long as you accept yourself. Love has to start from YOU. It will still sting when rejection comes, but recovery is faster once you accept who you are. NEVER pretend to be someone you are not.

LOVE YOURSELF.

Mise a jour

Update…again.

After all the job searching I did, I decided to stay where I am currently at. Why, you ask? A number of reasons. First off, my injury (extreme capsulitis on my right shoulder) I couldn’t really switch hospitals, I got into one, everything goes smoothly until the nurse interviews me for my medical history. They access my file, they see that I am currently injured, then they ask me to wait and contact them when I get better. The sad thing about this is that I am positive I won’t get my full mobility back. In the hospital where I am at right now, they are stuck with me (to put it bluntly).

Second reason, things are starting to become better at work and I guess, around the world right now. The pandemic is still hanging on but we are slowly getting a new normal that I could tolerate.

Lastly, seniority. I have worked here for 8 years and that is not joke. So for now, I’m staying.

I also started driving lessons and it traumatized me. I’m not sure I want to drive at all.

…

I guess it’s not meant to be.

The Waiting Game.

I am getting really, really impatient.

I have done all the necessary steps regarding my planned hospital switch but so far, none of them has been set in stone. The first hospital that contacted me interviewed me after I passed their competency test, and now they are supposed to call me after they speak to the references I provided for them. The second hospital passed the interview first, and my competency exam is scheduled this Wednesday. I just want something definite and every single day makes me crazy with anticipation.

I also informed my bosses and higher ups that I am in the process of looking for another hospital. They were very gracious about it, which really surprised me. They even asked me if they can do anything to keep me. Unfortunately, I really feel like my time has come and that a change is inevitable.

I’m just praying that I get answers soon.

Update.

I am currently on a week-long vacation and so far I have been productive.

I was able to take a competency exam for one of the hospitals I applied for and it went well. I have an interview scheduled on Monday. I am crossing my fingers and praying that I get this job. I have another interview scheduled next Wednesday, but if I get this job before that I will take it, because I’ve always wanted to work at a children’s hospital.

I am of course not excited to go back to work next week. The toxicity that I have to endure will surely be just as potent when I come back and I am not looking forward to it. Nevertheless, I will do my job to the best of my ability because there are patients who depend on us hospital workers at the end of the line, especially during the pandemic.

I think I just needed a major life shakedown, a new challenge. My life has become too monotonous that I sometimes feel like fun has been sucked out of it. I think my only mistake was not looking for another job when I started feeling unfulfilled at my current one. I feel like I have given and learned all that I could and that it is time to broaden my horizons and face a new environment. I’ve always wanted to work closer to the city anyway, suburban life is really not my cup of tea. Some colour back would be refreshing.

One year of living with covid has been dull and depressing, but I consider myself lucky that I never got sick. There are millions of people worldwide who weren’t so lucky. I thank God everyday for protecting me and my family. While we were faced with a scary situation when my mom had her quadruple bypass surgery, she powered through and is not practically moving like she used to. Now all that’s left is for covid to finally be over so we can slowly have some semblance of normalcy after being encased in an invisible prison for more than a year now.

Don’t forget to wash your hands, maintain social distancing and follow your government’s safety protocols. If we do it together, we can beat this.

The Rope.

The rope is getting shorter

I am almost at the end

People need to take a step back

away from me, a lose canon

I am at the brink of explosion

I don’t know how much longer I can stand it

Is it you?  Is it me?  I’m not sure anymore

All I know is that my patience is wearing thin.

I need to get away

I need to find an escape.

Somewhere real, somewhere imaginary

Something in between, it really does not matter

Don’t tell me I have to change

Don’t tell me I should understand

I have been trapped with this shit

along the rest of the world

and I can no longer stay in standstill.

I need to take a step

Away from the mess

Unless you want me to run all over you

I could care less if you and I survive in the end

Drastic measures are inevitable

I don’t see no other option

Space and time does not even cover

the lengths I have to travel

Keep you distance, let me be

This is the end, The story closes here.

Doodle 1

When the wind is too strong and throws me off balance

You are always ready to catch me 

When I cry myself to sleep and feel like my life is over

You stay with me and dry my tears

When I’m angry at the world and scream bloody murder

You stay behind me and let me release it all

This may sound grim but it is a thank you

For being with me all these years.

You don’t hover around me, you let me shine

You silently support me and lend your hand from time to time

You don’t wait for me to fall, you sweep me off my feet

You may not always hear it, but I appreciate

everything you have done for me.

There is a line between us that we dare not cross

Not even a tippy toe out of line, our place, we will always know

Others may not understand, they judge, they berate, they point fingers

We know who and what we are, and that is all that matters.

A different path.

I did it.

I finally decided to find another hospital. I took the leap I was so afraid to do for so long. Once I started searching for other places to work, the next steps became easier to take. It didn’t take long for a hospital to call me to set up an interview. I have 2 lined up so far, and I am hoping that I would fit in at least one.

I took the plunge because I started to admit to myself how unhappy I am at my current job. Nothing about that place excites me anymore, and every time I have to go to work, i feel myself finding excuses to call in sick. I still do my job to the best of my ability once I am there, but the fulfillment of being a health care worker has long since disappeared. The ambiance has been so toxic that it’s harder to breathe and endure. My coworkers are all just as exhausted and burnt out. I really feel like the time has come to go somewhere else.

Just when I thought that the Covid19 situation has gradually started to get better and just as I am starting to see a sliver of hope, the third wave starts. The curfew was put back into place and cases are going up. All this with the vaccine rollout underway. I just want this to be over. Sadly, not everyone is willing to cooperate and do the steps necessary to combat this pandemic. I can’t really judge them, I understand how frustrating and hair-pulling this has been, and it has been going on for way to long. People just want to live their lives. I’m still hopeful. I pray that the end to this misery is near. In the meantime, let’s try to do our part by following the safety protocols that our respective governments have put in place. It’s easier said than done, but just like any hurdle, we can overcome this.

A change…?

I wish I could come here and say that life had been nicer to me since my last rant, but unfortunately, that is not the case.

I do not know if what I am currently feeling is just a phase I would eventually be able to overcome, or if it is a sign that it is time to move on and find a new path. Work has been hell but surprisingly, it is not because of the pandemic. I am about to lose my sanity over my co-workers and their petty shenanigans that will put high schoolers to shame. I don’t even know if it actually is them, or if I’m just at the end of my rope. I started looking for other jobs In other hospitals, but to be honest I am not sure if I am ready to let go of my seniority at the hospital where I work. I figured I’ll cross that bridge when I get an offer.

My mental health has been riding a seesaw lately — at times I am at peace with myself, especially when I am alone while listening or watching BTS while they deliberately make a fool of themselves (too cute for words), or when I am FaceTiming with my nieces and nephews. There really isn’t a chance of going out while Covid 19 is still reigning supreme worldwide, but with the vaccinations pushing through, we are finally seeing that small sliver of hope we have been denied of for more than a year now.

At least I have my Bangtan boys to cheer me up when I am feeling down 🙂