Update.

I am currently on a week-long vacation and so far I have been productive.

I was able to take a competency exam for one of the hospitals I applied for and it went well. I have an interview scheduled on Monday. I am crossing my fingers and praying that I get this job. I have another interview scheduled next Wednesday, but if I get this job before that I will take it, because I’ve always wanted to work at a children’s hospital.

I am of course not excited to go back to work next week. The toxicity that I have to endure will surely be just as potent when I come back and I am not looking forward to it. Nevertheless, I will do my job to the best of my ability because there are patients who depend on us hospital workers at the end of the line, especially during the pandemic.

I think I just needed a major life shakedown, a new challenge. My life has become too monotonous that I sometimes feel like fun has been sucked out of it. I think my only mistake was not looking for another job when I started feeling unfulfilled at my current one. I feel like I have given and learned all that I could and that it is time to broaden my horizons and face a new environment. I’ve always wanted to work closer to the city anyway, suburban life is really not my cup of tea. Some colour back would be refreshing.

One year of living with covid has been dull and depressing, but I consider myself lucky that I never got sick. There are millions of people worldwide who weren’t so lucky. I thank God everyday for protecting me and my family. While we were faced with a scary situation when my mom had her quadruple bypass surgery, she powered through and is not practically moving like she used to. Now all that’s left is for covid to finally be over so we can slowly have some semblance of normalcy after being encased in an invisible prison for more than a year now.

Don’t forget to wash your hands, maintain social distancing and follow your government’s safety protocols. If we do it together, we can beat this.

The Rope.

The rope is getting shorter

I am almost at the end

People need to take a step back

away from me, a lose canon

I am at the brink of explosion

I don’t know how much longer I can stand it

Is it you?  Is it me?  I’m not sure anymore

All I know is that my patience is wearing thin.

I need to get away

I need to find an escape.

Somewhere real, somewhere imaginary

Something in between, it really does not matter

Don’t tell me I have to change

Don’t tell me I should understand

I have been trapped with this shit

along the rest of the world

and I can no longer stay in standstill.

I need to take a step

Away from the mess

Unless you want me to run all over you

I could care less if you and I survive in the end

Drastic measures are inevitable

I don’t see no other option

Space and time does not even cover

the lengths I have to travel

Keep you distance, let me be

This is the end, The story closes here.

Doodle 1

When the wind is too strong and throws me off balance

You are always ready to catch me 

When I cry myself to sleep and feel like my life is over

You stay with me and dry my tears

When I’m angry at the world and scream bloody murder

You stay behind me and let me release it all

This may sound grim but it is a thank you

For being with me all these years.

You don’t hover around me, you let me shine

You silently support me and lend your hand from time to time

You don’t wait for me to fall, you sweep me off my feet

You may not always hear it, but I appreciate

everything you have done for me.

There is a line between us that we dare not cross

Not even a tippy toe out of line, our place, we will always know

Others may not understand, they judge, they berate, they point fingers

We know who and what we are, and that is all that matters.

A different path.

I did it.

I finally decided to find another hospital. I took the leap I was so afraid to do for so long. Once I started searching for other places to work, the next steps became easier to take. It didn’t take long for a hospital to call me to set up an interview. I have 2 lined up so far, and I am hoping that I would fit in at least one.

I took the plunge because I started to admit to myself how unhappy I am at my current job. Nothing about that place excites me anymore, and every time I have to go to work, i feel myself finding excuses to call in sick. I still do my job to the best of my ability once I am there, but the fulfillment of being a health care worker has long since disappeared. The ambiance has been so toxic that it’s harder to breathe and endure. My coworkers are all just as exhausted and burnt out. I really feel like the time has come to go somewhere else.

Just when I thought that the Covid19 situation has gradually started to get better and just as I am starting to see a sliver of hope, the third wave starts. The curfew was put back into place and cases are going up. All this with the vaccine rollout underway. I just want this to be over. Sadly, not everyone is willing to cooperate and do the steps necessary to combat this pandemic. I can’t really judge them, I understand how frustrating and hair-pulling this has been, and it has been going on for way to long. People just want to live their lives. I’m still hopeful. I pray that the end to this misery is near. In the meantime, let’s try to do our part by following the safety protocols that our respective governments have put in place. It’s easier said than done, but just like any hurdle, we can overcome this.

A change…?

I wish I could come here and say that life had been nicer to me since my last rant, but unfortunately, that is not the case.

I do not know if what I am currently feeling is just a phase I would eventually be able to overcome, or if it is a sign that it is time to move on and find a new path. Work has been hell but surprisingly, it is not because of the pandemic. I am about to lose my sanity over my co-workers and their petty shenanigans that will put high schoolers to shame. I don’t even know if it actually is them, or if I’m just at the end of my rope. I started looking for other jobs In other hospitals, but to be honest I am not sure if I am ready to let go of my seniority at the hospital where I work. I figured I’ll cross that bridge when I get an offer.

My mental health has been riding a seesaw lately — at times I am at peace with myself, especially when I am alone while listening or watching BTS while they deliberately make a fool of themselves (too cute for words), or when I am FaceTiming with my nieces and nephews. There really isn’t a chance of going out while Covid 19 is still reigning supreme worldwide, but with the vaccinations pushing through, we are finally seeing that small sliver of hope we have been denied of for more than a year now.

At least I have my Bangtan boys to cheer me up when I am feeling down 🙂

The second effin’ wave.

Overwhelmed. Overworked.

That’s how everyone is feeling at work right now. The second wave of the pandemic is now at its peak, and the front liners (like myself) are feeling the brunt and pressure of it all. I feel for the doctors, nurses and respiratory technicians who are all at the front and center of it all. The hospital where I work at has reached its maximum capacity, and the demand increases. We are trying our hardest to hold on, but I just don’t know how long we can withstand.

The province is in a lockdown and a curfew was put in place. The citizens are protesting, saying their rights are being violated. Why I understand the lamentations, I also see why the government decided to do what they did. Whatever precautions that were put into effect were not working, and something must be done to ensure the survival of every person living here. What is the point of your freedom if you are not alive to exercise it? Is it really important for you to go out and do what you want knowing that you might get infected, and worse infect others?

We are at a breaking point. We are trying our best to treat everyone and have them cared for. What about you? Aside from crying about your rights being violated, what have you done to flatten the curve?

Journey.

One thing I learned after I found out that I am suffering from depression was that this battle does not end. I do not mean that in a dark, sinister way — I just think that the journey to being better is a lifelong process. I say this because years after I was diagnosed, there are still days, even weeks when I feel like I’m drowning yet again. I am in one of those moments right now.

I was recently convinced to try and sign up for a dating site (the swiping kind) and I was very surprised to find that a lot of them actually found my photos remotely attractive. I tried my hardest to connect with some of them and even took a risk of talking to one over text. At first I was actively responding to his messages and his not so subtle flirting and hints of wanting to meet up ASAP. 3 days after however, the incessant texting took a toll on me and I blocked his number. I blocked his number for a week, and the guy even sent me a voicemail (a person you blocked can still leave voice messages, to my surprise) because he was “worried”. After a week and after my friends told me that I was too impatient and harsh and so quick to block, I unblocked him and invented some lame excuse as to why I was not answering him (he believed the excuse) and he started texting and flirting shamelessly (again) so guess what? I blocked him again, the same day I unblocked him. After that, I asked…what is wrong with me? Am I that uninterested in interacting with new people? This made me think and it reminded me that I am “alone” and that I will die “alone” if I don’t wise up.

After a lot of thinking (and putting myself down) I figured out the reason why. I am currently struggling to love myself, so deep inside I KNOW that I can’t let somebody in right now. I have to start taking care of me and accepting me before I ask anyone to do it. But how? How do I start? I know how to, I’ve been told what to do by so many people, but why can’t I do it? That’s the part I do not get about myself. If I am so unhappy, why can’t I take care of myself like I should?

Let’s pray I find the answer.

Late night ramblings

It hard to breathe,
each day that passes by I’m losing sleep
I break bit by bit,
a piece of me slowly dying
My heart is beating steadily
without love, without passion, it barely lives
How do I love myself? Please tell me.
How do I go on living, hoping?
How do I encourage my heart?
How do I feed my starving soul?

I try and try but in the end I concede
Friends tell me I should fight with all my might
My family worries for me incessantly
I try to listen but I don’t see myself succeeding
I cry alone when night falls
While everyone’s in deep slumber
I plead to myself to hold on
I tell myself that I am strong
That I could face anything head on

The world sees me and they think I am bold
Little do they know I’m drowning inside,
I barely have the strength to push on
I close the door, I trapped myself in
No one can tell, I can pretend well
Will anyone see? Will anyone notice?
Let’s hope when someone finally does,
It’s not too late for my heart and soul.


Humihiling

Humihiling, nagsusumamo
Ako ba’y Iyong pagbibigyan?
Hindi naman langit ang gusto kong makamtan
Ayaw ko lamang maging mag-isa

Marunong naman ako magmahal
Hindi ako maramot o nagagalit ng walang dahilan
Tila ako’y hindi kapansin-pansin
O panlabas kong anyo ay karimarimarim

Humihiling, nagdarasal
Ako ba’y Iyong pakikinggan?
Bukas ba’y makikilala ko na siya?
Ako ba’y iibigin niya sa wakas?

Hindi ako nagmamadali
Hindi rin ako maarte o mapili
Tila kasing ako’y wala ng pag-asa
Ang nais ko lang naman ay magkaroon ng makakasama

Nagsusumamo, nagdarasal
Humihiling sa Taas, sumisigaw
Pagmamahal, tanging pagmamahal lamang
Hindi ko kakayanin mabuhay mag-isa.

Light and darkness

Her smile is light in the darkness
Her voice sings softly and serene
Bursting of energy and innocence
But it was taken away
She needs to shed it away

Her life now forever changed
Controlled and dull, words can’t describe
When you look into her eyes
The light is still there
She fight for it til the end

You may try to take over
but she’s not giving in
You emphasize her hunger
that feeling won’t linger
She will win over you
That’s what she is born to do
Darkness cannot stay
Her light will pierce through

You might think you own her now
but she’s fighting for her right
You make her think it’s over
but that thought will not last
She will crush you, yes YOU
She is able, watch her now
You cannot win
She will never lose to you.