I guess it’s not meant to be.
I am getting really, really impatient.
I have done all the necessary steps regarding my planned hospital switch but so far, none of them has been set in stone. The first hospital that contacted me interviewed me after I passed their competency test, and now they are supposed to call me after they speak to the references I provided for them. The second hospital passed the interview first, and my competency exam is scheduled this Wednesday. I just want something definite and every single day makes me crazy with anticipation.
I also informed my bosses and higher ups that I am in the process of looking for another hospital. They were very gracious about it, which really surprised me. They even asked me if they can do anything to keep me. Unfortunately, I really feel like my time has come and that a change is inevitable.
I’m just praying that I get answers soon.
I am currently on a week-long vacation and so far I have been productive.
I was able to take a competency exam for one of the hospitals I applied for and it went well. I have an interview scheduled on Monday. I am crossing my fingers and praying that I get this job. I have another interview scheduled next Wednesday, but if I get this job before that I will take it, because I’ve always wanted to work at a children’s hospital.
I am of course not excited to go back to work next week. The toxicity that I have to endure will surely be just as potent when I come back and I am not looking forward to it. Nevertheless, I will do my job to the best of my ability because there are patients who depend on us hospital workers at the end of the line, especially during the pandemic.
I think I just needed a major life shakedown, a new challenge. My life has become too monotonous that I sometimes feel like fun has been sucked out of it. I think my only mistake was not looking for another job when I started feeling unfulfilled at my current one. I feel like I have given and learned all that I could and that it is time to broaden my horizons and face a new environment. I’ve always wanted to work closer to the city anyway, suburban life is really not my cup of tea. Some colour back would be refreshing.
One year of living with covid has been dull and depressing, but I consider myself lucky that I never got sick. There are millions of people worldwide who weren’t so lucky. I thank God everyday for protecting me and my family. While we were faced with a scary situation when my mom had her quadruple bypass surgery, she powered through and is not practically moving like she used to. Now all that’s left is for covid to finally be over so we can slowly have some semblance of normalcy after being encased in an invisible prison for more than a year now.
Don’t forget to wash your hands, maintain social distancing and follow your government’s safety protocols. If we do it together, we can beat this.
The rope is getting shorter
I am almost at the end
People need to take a step back
away from me, a lose canon
I am at the brink of explosion
I don’t know how much longer I can stand it
Is it you? Is it me? I’m not sure anymore
All I know is that my patience is wearing thin.
I need to get away
I need to find an escape.
Somewhere real, somewhere imaginary
Something in between, it really does not matter
Don’t tell me I have to change
Don’t tell me I should understand
I have been trapped with this shit
along the rest of the world
and I can no longer stay in standstill.
I need to take a step
Away from the mess
Unless you want me to run all over you
I could care less if you and I survive in the end
Drastic measures are inevitable
I don’t see no other option
Space and time does not even cover
the lengths I have to travel
Keep you distance, let me be
This is the end, The story closes here.
When the wind is too strong and throws me off balance
You are always ready to catch me
When I cry myself to sleep and feel like my life is over
You stay with me and dry my tears
When I’m angry at the world and scream bloody murder
You stay behind me and let me release it all
This may sound grim but it is a thank you
For being with me all these years.
You don’t hover around me, you let me shine
You silently support me and lend your hand from time to time
You don’t wait for me to fall, you sweep me off my feet
You may not always hear it, but I appreciate
everything you have done for me.
There is a line between us that we dare not cross
Not even a tippy toe out of line, our place, we will always know
Others may not understand, they judge, they berate, they point fingers
We know who and what we are, and that is all that matters.
I did it.
I finally decided to find another hospital. I took the leap I was so afraid to do for so long. Once I started searching for other places to work, the next steps became easier to take. It didn’t take long for a hospital to call me to set up an interview. I have 2 lined up so far, and I am hoping that I would fit in at least one.
I took the plunge because I started to admit to myself how unhappy I am at my current job. Nothing about that place excites me anymore, and every time I have to go to work, i feel myself finding excuses to call in sick. I still do my job to the best of my ability once I am there, but the fulfillment of being a health care worker has long since disappeared. The ambiance has been so toxic that it’s harder to breathe and endure. My coworkers are all just as exhausted and burnt out. I really feel like the time has come to go somewhere else.
Just when I thought that the Covid19 situation has gradually started to get better and just as I am starting to see a sliver of hope, the third wave starts. The curfew was put back into place and cases are going up. All this with the vaccine rollout underway. I just want this to be over. Sadly, not everyone is willing to cooperate and do the steps necessary to combat this pandemic. I can’t really judge them, I understand how frustrating and hair-pulling this has been, and it has been going on for way to long. People just want to live their lives. I’m still hopeful. I pray that the end to this misery is near. In the meantime, let’s try to do our part by following the safety protocols that our respective governments have put in place. It’s easier said than done, but just like any hurdle, we can overcome this.
I wish I could come here and say that life had been nicer to me since my last rant, but unfortunately, that is not the case.
I do not know if what I am currently feeling is just a phase I would eventually be able to overcome, or if it is a sign that it is time to move on and find a new path. Work has been hell but surprisingly, it is not because of the pandemic. I am about to lose my sanity over my co-workers and their petty shenanigans that will put high schoolers to shame. I don’t even know if it actually is them, or if I’m just at the end of my rope. I started looking for other jobs In other hospitals, but to be honest I am not sure if I am ready to let go of my seniority at the hospital where I work. I figured I’ll cross that bridge when I get an offer.
My mental health has been riding a seesaw lately — at times I am at peace with myself, especially when I am alone while listening or watching BTS while they deliberately make a fool of themselves (too cute for words), or when I am FaceTiming with my nieces and nephews. There really isn’t a chance of going out while Covid 19 is still reigning supreme worldwide, but with the vaccinations pushing through, we are finally seeing that small sliver of hope we have been denied of for more than a year now.
At least I have my Bangtan boys to cheer me up when I am feeling down 🙂
That’s how everyone is feeling at work right now. The second wave of the pandemic is now at its peak, and the front liners (like myself) are feeling the brunt and pressure of it all. I feel for the doctors, nurses and respiratory technicians who are all at the front and center of it all. The hospital where I work at has reached its maximum capacity, and the demand increases. We are trying our hardest to hold on, but I just don’t know how long we can withstand.
The province is in a lockdown and a curfew was put in place. The citizens are protesting, saying their rights are being violated. Why I understand the lamentations, I also see why the government decided to do what they did. Whatever precautions that were put into effect were not working, and something must be done to ensure the survival of every person living here. What is the point of your freedom if you are not alive to exercise it? Is it really important for you to go out and do what you want knowing that you might get infected, and worse infect others?
We are at a breaking point. We are trying our best to treat everyone and have them cared for. What about you? Aside from crying about your rights being violated, what have you done to flatten the curve?
One thing I learned after I found out that I am suffering from depression was that this battle does not end. I do not mean that in a dark, sinister way — I just think that the journey to being better is a lifelong process. I say this because years after I was diagnosed, there are still days, even weeks when I feel like I’m drowning yet again. I am in one of those moments right now.
I was recently convinced to try and sign up for a dating site (the swiping kind) and I was very surprised to find that a lot of them actually found my photos remotely attractive. I tried my hardest to connect with some of them and even took a risk of talking to one over text. At first I was actively responding to his messages and his not so subtle flirting and hints of wanting to meet up ASAP. 3 days after however, the incessant texting took a toll on me and I blocked his number. I blocked his number for a week, and the guy even sent me a voicemail (a person you blocked can still leave voice messages, to my surprise) because he was “worried”. After a week and after my friends told me that I was too impatient and harsh and so quick to block, I unblocked him and invented some lame excuse as to why I was not answering him (he believed the excuse) and he started texting and flirting shamelessly (again) so guess what? I blocked him again, the same day I unblocked him. After that, I asked…what is wrong with me? Am I that uninterested in interacting with new people? This made me think and it reminded me that I am “alone” and that I will die “alone” if I don’t wise up.
After a lot of thinking (and putting myself down) I figured out the reason why. I am currently struggling to love myself, so deep inside I KNOW that I can’t let somebody in right now. I have to start taking care of me and accepting me before I ask anyone to do it. But how? How do I start? I know how to, I’ve been told what to do by so many people, but why can’t I do it? That’s the part I do not get about myself. If I am so unhappy, why can’t I take care of myself like I should?
Let’s pray I find the answer.
It hard to breathe,
each day that passes by I’m losing sleep
I break bit by bit,
a piece of me slowly dying
My heart is beating steadily
without love, without passion, it barely lives
How do I love myself? Please tell me.
How do I go on living, hoping?
How do I encourage my heart?
How do I feed my starving soul?
I try and try but in the end I concede
Friends tell me I should fight with all my might
My family worries for me incessantly
I try to listen but I don’t see myself succeeding
I cry alone when night falls
While everyone’s in deep slumber
I plead to myself to hold on
I tell myself that I am strong
That I could face anything head on
The world sees me and they think I am bold
Little do they know I’m drowning inside,
I barely have the strength to push on
I close the door, I trapped myself in
No one can tell, I can pretend well
Will anyone see? Will anyone notice?
Let’s hope when someone finally does,
It’s not too late for my heart and soul.