I had a mini crisis due to stress planning my mom’s birthday. Well, no, let me rephrase that. I have been doubting myself and my worth for quite some time now and planning my mom’s party fed my insecurity. I’m glad to say that I survived, by helping MYSELF.
Some people were worried about me during the last post, and I sincerely thank you. I also want to apologize for worrying you, that was not my intention. I just wanted to release whatever negativity I have been feeling. I am okay now.
I am here again. I’m afraid the reason’s not good, though.
My battle with depression and self doubt started early — as the middle child, I always felt bypassed; unimportant. I felt that no one cared what I did, what I liked, What I have to say didn’t matter. It may not be true, but it was how I felt back then, and because I was afraid of people telling me that I was wrong, that my thoughts weren’t valid, I built a wall. I hid behind and made them see how unaffected I was, and that I relish the way they called me the “black sheep”, a “bitch”, “maldita” and so on. Little to they know, every word thrown against me, whether constructive or just plain rude, dented my soul, little by little. I started to have doubts; I thought maybe, I am just not a person someone could love. No one knew but me.
When I moved to a new country, I was culture shocked. I felt unsupported and alone. I felt like I was thrown into the lion’s den without anything to protect me. I should have voiced out my worries, but I didn’t. I fortified the wall around me and encouraged everyone’s opinion about my “strong personality” and “brutal mouth”. I pretended to embrace what people perceived me as. Deep inside, I was dying. Little by little, I started hating myself.
When finally I admitted the problem and sought help, I finally gave myself the attention I never gave myself all these years. It was hard to tear the wall down, but I started doing it, and a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I thought to myself, I am getting better.
Now, 2 months after admitting my problem, I am back to square one. I feel alone, unworthy, used, unloved. People I call my family dismiss my comments as rude and inconsiderate, because I have no children, and I would never know how it feels for them. Being single without a child became I curse. I feel like I am being unintentionally pushed to give more, because I have nobody else to take care of. I feel that they are right. I am just not as important as their family. I am dispensable.
I want to talk to myself. Please, HELP YOURSELF. Do not go there.
I recently watched the 2018 Melon Music Awards (MMAs) and I was blessed to have been able to witness BTS’ EPIC 20-minute performance, where they slayed. The vocals were so LIVE I was able to hear the heavy breathing — I can’t even sing while climbing the stairs, and they had to perform 3 songs that were choreography heavy. I was most impressed by the dance line’s (J-Hope, Jimin and Jungkook <3) Korean inspired dance intro.
Here’s the full performance:
Aside from that, they also won 7 awards including TWO DAESANGS (daesang = grand prize), one for Album of the Year and one for Artist of the Year.
2018 hasn’t been kind to me, if I were to be completely honest. I went through things I never thought I ever would, and it shook me. Growing up in a third world country when everything is a battle, I’ve always viewed people who break down as weaklings; quitters; overdramatic. Until, one day, it happened to me.
I never really saw myself as someone who would succumb to depression. I’ve always believed that I was tough as nails, so when my doctor told me that I was suffering from depression, I wanted to punch her face. How dare she tell me that I’m mentally sick. I don’t do depression. The truth is, deep inside my core, I knew there is something working against me.
I don’t want to get into the hows, the whens, the whys. I just want to finally acknowledge that I was in fact, ill. As a matter of fact, I still am. The only difference is now, I am fighting.
SOOOOO I have been addicted to Jikook (Jimin and Jungkook) fanfiction lately and I feel the need to share all my favorite stories with everyone. There are so many creative writers out there and I sincerely believe that their work(s) should be read by the world. It’s a long list so stay tuned.
Meanwhile, everyone can start with this light, fluffy one shot:
I want to start 2018 by taking care of myself, particularly my face and body. I’m not really a “girly” girl — I put makeup on only if I have no choice and I just wash my face everyday and put moisturizer, especially since the weather is harsh here in Canada. So I decided to start the new year, I have to try and take good care of my skin, since it’ll be my skin til I die, and I perform a lot so it’ll be embarrassing to perform with a nasty skin. That being said, I came across the Korean 10-step skin care routine. Yes, you read it right, 10 steps, as in T-E-N steps. I’ve always wondered how Koreans maintain their flawless skin and I decided maybe I should give it a try.
Now let me go into detail about the steps:
Step 1 — Oil Cleanser. My research online told me that Koreans do “double cleansing” — This is the first stage. Oil cleansers remove all the makeup (yes, even waterproof ones) on your face and neck, I am using the Banila Co. Clean it Zero Purity for Sensitive Skin. It’s an amazing product, it really takes out everything! (42$ CAD)
Step 2 — Water-based Cleanser. The final stage of double cleansing. It basically takes away all the remaining dirt and residue that the oil cleanser left out. I am currently using the Face Shop Rice Water Bright Cleansing Foam. I got this as a Christmas gift so I figured why not incorporate it? It is doing it’s job as far as I’m concerned. ($12 CAD)
Step 3 — Exfoliator. This product takes away all your dead cells, leaving your skin feeling smooth, soft and polished. This step should be done around twice a week, depending on your skin’s sensitivity. This product can be pretty abrasive so if you have sensitive skin, put a bit of soothing gel with it to lessen the rough texture. I am currently using Skin Food Black Sugar Mask. I have only used this once so far. The product is pretty rough on my skin so I’ll probably use a soothing gel next time. It does leave your skin soft and polished. ($15 CAD)
Step 4 — Toner. Now this step has been a part of my old skin care routine, but Korean toners are different from the toners I have been using. First off you apply it using your hands, not a cotton pad. I always though that toners are used as a second step after cleansing in case there’s some left, but Korean skin care uses toners to prepare your skin for the products that are coming next. It hydrates the skin and balances PH levels. I am currently using the Botanic Farm Avocado Honey Rich Toner. (24.99$ CAD)
Step 5 — Essence. This is called The heart of Korean Skin Care. According to SokoGlam, it is a toner/serum hybrid that is made for hydrating and aiding skin repair and cell turnover. I am currently using Botanic Farm Rice Ferment First Essence. (35$ CAD)
Step 6 — Treatments. This is where serums, ampules, boosters and concentrated essences belong to. They basically treat whatever it is in your skin you want to take care of the most, from uneven skin tone, large pores, acne and many more. Each skin is different, so this product is what makes your skin care YOU. I am using Belif Hungarian Water Essence Lightweight Hydrating Serum. I just got this for free with the moisturizer that i purchased and I wanted to try it. So far so good! (51$ CAD)
Step 7 — Sheet Masks. This is what introduced me to Korean skin care in the first place. I was just curious about it because I have seen BTS (Jimin, Suga, Jin and Jhope to be exact) use sheet masks and I wanted to know what it will do to my skin. They are called the soul of Korean skin care. I have been using Mediheal for a while, particularly the Mediheal H.D.P. Pore-Stamping Black Mask Ex. It relaxes my skin and reduces the redness, which is my number one concern. (35.99/box of 10)
Step 8 — Eye Cream. This step I find is the one I needed to add to my routine the most. I have noticed that the skin around my eyes are getting drier and flakier. I guess it comes with aging (kill me now). Research told me that the skin around our eyes are more sensitive and delicate so we must apply a more concentrated type of hydration. I am using the Belif Moisturizing and Firming Eye Cream. I am seeing the effects of this product immediately after 2 uses. The skin around my eye no longer feels flaky. (59$ CAD)
Step 9 — Moisturizer. This step has also been a part of my old routine, but I must say that Korean moisturizers are gentler. I usually get a stinging sensation with the moisturizers sold here, but the Korean counterparts are more lightweight, but more as in MORE hydrating. I am using Belif The True Cream Moisturizing Bomb. I got this product as a sample, along with the eye cream and after trying it and seeing the results I was convinced. My skin feels soft and it stays soft all throughout the day. (47$ CAD)
Step 10 — Sun Protection. We all know that the sun’s UV rays can cause premature aging and skin cancer so we must protect our skin from it at all times. I have yet to buy my Korean sun protection so wish me luck!