Humihiling

Humihiling

Humihiling, nagsusumamo
Ako ba’y Iyong pagbibigyan?
Hindi naman langit ang gusto kong makamtan
Ayaw ko lamang maging mag-isa

Marunong naman ako magmahal
Hindi ako maramot o nagagalit ng walang dahilan
Tila ako’y hindi kapansin-pansin
O panlabas kong anyo ay karimarimarim

Humihiling, nagdarasal
Ako ba’y Iyong pakikinggan?
Bukas ba’y makikilala ko na siya?
Ako ba’y iibigin niya sa wakas?

Hindi ako nagmamadali
Hindi rin ako maarte o mapili
Tila kasing ako’y wala ng pag-asa
Ang nais ko lang naman ay magkaroon ng makakasama

Nagsusumamo, nagdarasal
Humihiling sa Taas, sumisigaw
Pagmamahal, tanging pagmamahal lamang
Hindi ko kakayanin mabuhay mag-isa.

Light and darkness

Light and darkness

Her smile is light in the darkness
Her voice sings softly and serene
Bursting of energy and innocence
But it was taken away
She needs to shed it away

Her life now forever changed
Controlled and dull, words can’t describe
When you look into her eyes
The light is still there
She fight for it til the end

You may try to take over
but she’s not giving in
You emphasize her hunger
that feeling won’t linger
She will win over you
That’s what she is born to do
Darkness cannot stay
Her light will pierce through

You might think you own her now
but she’s fighting for her right
You make her think it’s over
but that thought will not last
She will crush you, yes YOU
She is able, watch her now
You cannot win
She will never lose to you.

I don’t think I like you.

I don’t think I like you.

I dreamed of you
Why do I dream of you?
I don’t think of you
I’m not even into you
At least, I don’t think so.

I dream of you
Every night I see you
Your eyes bright, looking at me
Your smile sweetly getting through me

I like you in my dream
You make me feel alive, I cannot deny
I don’t want to be with you
At least I don’t think I do

Why am I confused?
If I don’t like you
Why do I look forward to sleeping?
Why do I not want to wake up?
Why do I want to feel your touch?

I really don’t think I like you
At least because I know
in reality it is impossible
because to you I am not even a friend
but an authority you respect
So I’ll like you
when I dream of you.

I love you anyway.

I love you anyway.

Is it possible to break someone’s heart
when it’s already shattered into pieces?
I never thought it could happen
like a festering wound re-infected
The pieces are scattered on the floor
I lost hope of mending it
Healing is far beyond my reach
I made peace with this reality
then all of sudden, you appear.

Your heart it gold, your intentions pure
You’ll never hurt a soul, it’s not who you are
You gave me temporary joy
in what seems like a lifetime of sorrow
But time will surely catch up
and I will be torn apart again
I want to avoid the pain
I know where it will lead
But one look at you and I know it’s futile to resist

So yes, I will be broken again
I’ll suffer the same fate
It will feel worse than death
A never ending punishment
Yet here I am, loving you anyway.

My heart does NOT care.

My heart does NOT care.

People get hurt
they learn to pay attention
they avoid the cause of pain
When they see it, they look the other way

That’s not what I do
because here I am stuck in an endless loop
A person who means the world to me
yet cannot love me the way I love him

I did not walk away
I dove in blindly
I threw caution away
now I’m in pain, I am hurting

I meet someone new
Everything I love he has in him
He smiles at me and I melt away
but is he into me?
Hardly, but I fall anyway.

The same vicious cycle begins
Different guy, same pain
learning a lesson is not in my vocabulary
I keep on falling and end up in pain
I know it’s wrong, but my heart does not care.

Fighter. Until the end.

Fighter. Until the end.

They say I’m way past my prime
I’m on my way down
I’ve lived most of my life
But I strongly disagree
because I’m just getting started

I am filled with experience
Life has knocked me down countless times
I cried, I suffered, I doubted myself
but I held on, I stood tall

I will fight until the end
I won’t let negativity stop me
I am able, though I might stumble
I will rise up, no matter how many times I fall
I am made up of more than what you could ever imagine
I am a fighter, I know things may get tougher
People will talk, they will pull you down
but I am me, I am strong, I believe

Being great takes work and patience
people get scared of change
I won’t let my talents go to waste
I have heart and I will pick up the pace
I won’t let anything cloud my judgement
I’ll take every step no matter how long it may take me
Tears and sweat will bring me closer
I will push, I will stand tall

The same hole.

The same hole.

How do you stop falling? How do you tell your heart to not feel?
The road down is steep and dark. There is no way out; I cannot turn back.

I just met you some days ago
back when I was trapped and in love with someone else.
He did not love me back but I stayed…it hurt but I stayed.

Then you came along, unexpectedly making me smile.
I slowly rose out of the trap I was in.
I started longing to see you, talk to you, I got to know you,
I started feeling bliss when I am with you.
Suddenly I stopped — wasn’t I in this before?
Falling in love with someone who won’t.

I tried to push it away yet I find myself waiting on you.
I’m way past my prime, you won’t see me the way I see you.
Do I stay in this hole I dug this time?
Or do I stop while I still can, while my heart has yet ripped to shreds.

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Me, my age and Bangtan Sonyeondan.

Me, my age and Bangtan Sonyeondan.

Roughly 2 years ago, I faced something unfamiliar that shook me to my core.

People around me describe me as someone who is blunt, someone who has a strong and brash personality, confident…mean. I did not necessarily see myself that way, but I unknowingly lived up to my reputation. It worked for years, until 2018. There wasn’t really anything in particular — there was no major event, tragedy, shock or accident that could trigger the depression. I was working full time in the hospital and the same time I was managing a local non-profit association that I was very devoted to. It seemed like everything was going great, but it wasn’t. I felt empty. I felt alone. I had my family with me, and no, they did not necessarily abandon me, but they had their families to take care of. My friends were all getting married, settling down. Now, I wasn’t really sad about being single, but I felt that my life was going nowhere. I assessed everything and anything I have…and felt like I had nothing. I had no house, no savings, no car, no family to take care of, no special someone. I was on my own. All of us sudden, it felt wrong.

Work started to become tedious; I felt exhausted and burnt out. Waking up became a chore. Sleep wanted nothing to do with me. Being the President of a non-profit organization felt meaningless and unfulfilling. I started thinking, “If I die, no one would miss me.” I stopped taking my medications. I ate to my heart’s content, as if trying to fill the void I could not explain. NO ONE noticed. They only noticed my fluctuating weight. None of them, not even my family, heard my desperate plea for help. How could they? I wasn’t telling them anything. I didn’t open up to anyone.

One day, I went to see my doctor to ask for sleep medication. Unlike the others, she started asking questions. She saw through the wall I built. She did what any other doctor would do — she stopped me from working and gave me anti-depressants. At first I was livid. I don’t do depression. I am strong, how could I be depressed? I spoke to my family about it. They said, “it’s because you don’t have a husband.” It shattered me. They did not see it as a problem. I’ll get over it, they said. I knew better. I knew I was in a hole I could not get out of without help. I started to think that maybe, I have no place in this world.

The only thing making me smile throughout those times, were the videos of Bangtan Sonyeondan, a Kpop group I discovered 2 years prior to my depression (2016). Their silly antics made me laugh, and I ate it all up. Their songs were catchy, and felt like being a part of their fandom made me belong to something. Despite all that, it was not enough. As soon as I turn my laptop off, the void reappears. I felt helpless, so I started looking into Bangtan’s music and its message. Their music spoke of self worth, of self love, saying that not having dreams or a passion does not diminish who you are. They spoke of their own fears, their own bouts with depression, their struggles. Every song I listen to, I felt less alone. Every Bangtan Bomb I watch, I felt more of my worth. I held on to them, to their music. Slowly but surely, they lifted me out of that cursed hole, something even my own family and closest friends were not able to do.

Now, as near 40-year old fan of BTS, I face criticism and ridicule. They say I’m too old for BTS. They say that their music is bubblegum (without actually listening to it, mind you). You know what? FUCK IT. Say what you want to say, but these 7 men and their message saved me. They are my saviors. So I say bring it — the criticisms, the judgement, the mockery…bring it. No one can take away the fact that I probably would not be here today if not for BTS. I was spiraling out of control, and holding on to them brought me back.

How many of you can say you were able to do that for someone?

A break.

A break.

Thank heavens.

I am on vacation at work for a week, so as soon as my last day of work was over…I went straight to my apartment in Montreal despite my mother’s protests. I was very careful on the way, while I was in the subway, most especially. I wore a mask just to be on the safe side. I kept my hands inside my coat pocket to prevent myself from touching my face. I called my mother a couple of days later to show her that I arrived unscathed and covid free. Let’s hope she relaxes a bit in the future.

Being here has been refreshing — with no one but my best friend /roommate with me. We don’t go out, we just watch Netflix, chill and pig out. I am more at ease and definitely anxiety-free. I definitely needed this, and I am glad that I made the hard decision of defying my mother’s wishes and risk hurting her feelings in the process. All I wanted was for her to understand that I am aware that she’s being paranoid and anxious because she cares about me, but in the end, I get to decide — because I am a full grown adult, have been for decades now, and that I know what I am doing. I also want her to realize that while this pandemic is a major concern, my mental state and health is just as important.

I pray that everything goes back to normal slowly, but surely.

Some more Covid-19 woes.

Some more Covid-19 woes.

Here we go again.

This recent Covid-19 is affecting me more than I thought it would. My last post was about me venting about the pressure my job is putting on my shoulders. Thanks to my co-workers, I am currently handling that. They took it upon themselves to do the deliveries that I was obliged to do. I will be forever grateful, and I intend to show them how much as soon as time and circumstances let me. I just wish I am getting the same support at home.

My mother, needless to say, is obsessed and paranoid about all this. She self-quarantined herself, bought Lysol sprays, wipes, sanitizers, the works. She tells me and my stepfather to wash our hands every waking moment. She won’t let me go ANYWHERE, not even to my apartment in Montreal.

While I understand and appreciate all that she does, it is affecting me negatively. As I have previously said, my work requires me to be out everyday, take public transport, enter a hospital and maybe deliver medications to wards who take care of covid positive patients. Being a hospital worker, I am exposed and well practiced in all the safety precautions and disinfecting myself. I DO NOT need to be told to wash my hands or sanitize; I do it instinctively. I know not to touch my face when I am out and about; I am trained to be aware of these things. All these facts are being ignored by my mother right now — all of it she does to “protect” me. The problem is, her constant badgering, coddling, and most of all the obsession to read, watch, and follow whatever she sees online to “protect” us from the virus is an added pressure I DO NOT NEED. I do not appreciate coming home from work after a long day just to be greeted with, “Go straight to the washroom, wash your hands, spray Lysol on your jacket and your bag”. I do not appreciate the constant, “If you go to Montreal, take the metro, you will get sick and contaminate me.” I try my best to tell myself that it is all for my own good, but unfortunately, my fragile mental state is not handling it well. I am on the verge of breaking down. I tell her this, but she dismisses it, just like the first time, when she told me “You’re just lonely because you don’t have a husband.” My mental problem is something she does not acknowledge. THAT is the problem.

While yes, it is safer for me to stay here and not in Montreal, and yes, I really should be careful about touching things and washing hands and disinfecting, and yes, a constant reminder would help, the constant dismissal of my mental problem is NOT. Isolation is breaking me, the pressure is burying me. I need a break. The things that are going on in my head are just things I don’t normally think of when I’m mentally sound, and I am afraid of what I might do to achieve PEACE.

But. She. Does. Not. Listen.