Journey.

Journey.

One thing I learned after I found out that I am suffering from depression was that this battle does not end. I do not mean that in a dark, sinister way — I just think that the journey to being better is a lifelong process. I say this because years after I was diagnosed, there are still days, even weeks when I feel like I’m drowning yet again. I am in one of those moments right now.

I was recently convinced to try and sign up for a dating site (the swiping kind) and I was very surprised to find that a lot of them actually found my photos remotely attractive. I tried my hardest to connect with some of them and even took a risk of talking to one over text. At first I was actively responding to his messages and his not so subtle flirting and hints of wanting to meet up ASAP. 3 days after however, the incessant texting took a toll on me and I blocked his number. I blocked his number for a week, and the guy even sent me a voicemail (a person you blocked can still leave voice messages, to my surprise) because he was “worried”. After a week and after my friends told me that I was too impatient and harsh and so quick to block, I unblocked him and invented some lame excuse as to why I was not answering him (he believed the excuse) and he started texting and flirting shamelessly (again) so guess what? I blocked him again, the same day I unblocked him. After that, I asked…what is wrong with me? Am I that uninterested in interacting with new people? This made me think and it reminded me that I am “alone” and that I will die “alone” if I don’t wise up.

After a lot of thinking (and putting myself down) I figured out the reason why. I am currently struggling to love myself, so deep inside I KNOW that I can’t let somebody in right now. I have to start taking care of me and accepting me before I ask anyone to do it. But how? How do I start? I know how to, I’ve been told what to do by so many people, but why can’t I do it? That’s the part I do not get about myself. If I am so unhappy, why can’t I take care of myself like I should?

Let’s pray I find the answer.

Late night ramblings

Late night ramblings

It hard to breathe,
each day that passes by I’m losing sleep
I break bit by bit,
a piece of me slowly dying
My heart is beating steadily
without love, without passion, it barely lives
How do I love myself? Please tell me.
How do I go on living, hoping?
How do I encourage my heart?
How do I feed my starving soul?

I try and try but in the end I concede
Friends tell me I should fight with all my might
My family worries for me incessantly
I try to listen but I don’t see myself succeeding
I cry alone when night falls
While everyone’s in deep slumber
I plead to myself to hold on
I tell myself that I am strong
That I could face anything head on

The world sees me and they think I am bold
Little do they know I’m drowning inside,
I barely have the strength to push on
I close the door, I trapped myself in
No one can tell, I can pretend well
Will anyone see? Will anyone notice?
Let’s hope when someone finally does,
It’s not too late for my heart and soul.


Humihiling

Humihiling

Humihiling, nagsusumamo
Ako ba’y Iyong pagbibigyan?
Hindi naman langit ang gusto kong makamtan
Ayaw ko lamang maging mag-isa

Marunong naman ako magmahal
Hindi ako maramot o nagagalit ng walang dahilan
Tila ako’y hindi kapansin-pansin
O panlabas kong anyo ay karimarimarim

Humihiling, nagdarasal
Ako ba’y Iyong pakikinggan?
Bukas ba’y makikilala ko na siya?
Ako ba’y iibigin niya sa wakas?

Hindi ako nagmamadali
Hindi rin ako maarte o mapili
Tila kasing ako’y wala ng pag-asa
Ang nais ko lang naman ay magkaroon ng makakasama

Nagsusumamo, nagdarasal
Humihiling sa Taas, sumisigaw
Pagmamahal, tanging pagmamahal lamang
Hindi ko kakayanin mabuhay mag-isa.

Light and darkness

Light and darkness

Her smile is light in the darkness
Her voice sings softly and serene
Bursting of energy and innocence
But it was taken away
She needs to shed it away

Her life now forever changed
Controlled and dull, words can’t describe
When you look into her eyes
The light is still there
She fight for it til the end

You may try to take over
but she’s not giving in
You emphasize her hunger
that feeling won’t linger
She will win over you
That’s what she is born to do
Darkness cannot stay
Her light will pierce through

You might think you own her now
but she’s fighting for her right
You make her think it’s over
but that thought will not last
She will crush you, yes YOU
She is able, watch her now
You cannot win
She will never lose to you.

I don’t think I like you.

I don’t think I like you.

I dreamed of you
Why do I dream of you?
I don’t think of you
I’m not even into you
At least, I don’t think so.

I dream of you
Every night I see you
Your eyes bright, looking at me
Your smile sweetly getting through me

I like you in my dream
You make me feel alive, I cannot deny
I don’t want to be with you
At least I don’t think I do

Why am I confused?
If I don’t like you
Why do I look forward to sleeping?
Why do I not want to wake up?
Why do I want to feel your touch?

I really don’t think I like you
At least because I know
in reality it is impossible
because to you I am not even a friend
but an authority you respect
So I’ll like you
when I dream of you.

I love you anyway.

I love you anyway.

Is it possible to break someone’s heart
when it’s already shattered into pieces?
I never thought it could happen
like a festering wound re-infected
The pieces are scattered on the floor
I lost hope of mending it
Healing is far beyond my reach
I made peace with this reality
then all of sudden, you appear.

Your heart it gold, your intentions pure
You’ll never hurt a soul, it’s not who you are
You gave me temporary joy
in what seems like a lifetime of sorrow
But time will surely catch up
and I will be torn apart again
I want to avoid the pain
I know where it will lead
But one look at you and I know it’s futile to resist

So yes, I will be broken again
I’ll suffer the same fate
It will feel worse than death
A never ending punishment
Yet here I am, loving you anyway.

My heart does NOT care.

My heart does NOT care.

People get hurt
they learn to pay attention
they avoid the cause of pain
When they see it, they look the other way

That’s not what I do
because here I am stuck in an endless loop
A person who means the world to me
yet cannot love me the way I love him

I did not walk away
I dove in blindly
I threw caution away
now I’m in pain, I am hurting

I meet someone new
Everything I love he has in him
He smiles at me and I melt away
but is he into me?
Hardly, but I fall anyway.

The same vicious cycle begins
Different guy, same pain
learning a lesson is not in my vocabulary
I keep on falling and end up in pain
I know it’s wrong, but my heart does not care.

Fighter. Until the end.

Fighter. Until the end.

They say I’m way past my prime
I’m on my way down
I’ve lived most of my life
But I strongly disagree
because I’m just getting started

I am filled with experience
Life has knocked me down countless times
I cried, I suffered, I doubted myself
but I held on, I stood tall

I will fight until the end
I won’t let negativity stop me
I am able, though I might stumble
I will rise up, no matter how many times I fall
I am made up of more than what you could ever imagine
I am a fighter, I know things may get tougher
People will talk, they will pull you down
but I am me, I am strong, I believe

Being great takes work and patience
people get scared of change
I won’t let my talents go to waste
I have heart and I will pick up the pace
I won’t let anything cloud my judgement
I’ll take every step no matter how long it may take me
Tears and sweat will bring me closer
I will push, I will stand tall

The same hole.

The same hole.

How do you stop falling? How do you tell your heart to not feel?
The road down is steep and dark. There is no way out; I cannot turn back.

I just met you some days ago
back when I was trapped and in love with someone else.
He did not love me back but I stayed…it hurt but I stayed.

Then you came along, unexpectedly making me smile.
I slowly rose out of the trap I was in.
I started longing to see you, talk to you, I got to know you,
I started feeling bliss when I am with you.
Suddenly I stopped — wasn’t I in this before?
Falling in love with someone who won’t.

I tried to push it away yet I find myself waiting on you.
I’m way past my prime, you won’t see me the way I see you.
Do I stay in this hole I dug this time?
Or do I stop while I still can, while my heart has yet ripped to shreds.

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Me, my age and Bangtan Sonyeondan.

Me, my age and Bangtan Sonyeondan.

Roughly 2 years ago, I faced something unfamiliar that shook me to my core.

People around me describe me as someone who is blunt, someone who has a strong and brash personality, confident…mean. I did not necessarily see myself that way, but I unknowingly lived up to my reputation. It worked for years, until 2018. There wasn’t really anything in particular — there was no major event, tragedy, shock or accident that could trigger the depression. I was working full time in the hospital and the same time I was managing a local non-profit association that I was very devoted to. It seemed like everything was going great, but it wasn’t. I felt empty. I felt alone. I had my family with me, and no, they did not necessarily abandon me, but they had their families to take care of. My friends were all getting married, settling down. Now, I wasn’t really sad about being single, but I felt that my life was going nowhere. I assessed everything and anything I have…and felt like I had nothing. I had no house, no savings, no car, no family to take care of, no special someone. I was on my own. All of us sudden, it felt wrong.

Work started to become tedious; I felt exhausted and burnt out. Waking up became a chore. Sleep wanted nothing to do with me. Being the President of a non-profit organization felt meaningless and unfulfilling. I started thinking, “If I die, no one would miss me.” I stopped taking my medications. I ate to my heart’s content, as if trying to fill the void I could not explain. NO ONE noticed. They only noticed my fluctuating weight. None of them, not even my family, heard my desperate plea for help. How could they? I wasn’t telling them anything. I didn’t open up to anyone.

One day, I went to see my doctor to ask for sleep medication. Unlike the others, she started asking questions. She saw through the wall I built. She did what any other doctor would do — she stopped me from working and gave me anti-depressants. At first I was livid. I don’t do depression. I am strong, how could I be depressed? I spoke to my family about it. They said, “it’s because you don’t have a husband.” It shattered me. They did not see it as a problem. I’ll get over it, they said. I knew better. I knew I was in a hole I could not get out of without help. I started to think that maybe, I have no place in this world.

The only thing making me smile throughout those times, were the videos of Bangtan Sonyeondan, a Kpop group I discovered 2 years prior to my depression (2016). Their silly antics made me laugh, and I ate it all up. Their songs were catchy, and felt like being a part of their fandom made me belong to something. Despite all that, it was not enough. As soon as I turn my laptop off, the void reappears. I felt helpless, so I started looking into Bangtan’s music and its message. Their music spoke of self worth, of self love, saying that not having dreams or a passion does not diminish who you are. They spoke of their own fears, their own bouts with depression, their struggles. Every song I listen to, I felt less alone. Every Bangtan Bomb I watch, I felt more of my worth. I held on to them, to their music. Slowly but surely, they lifted me out of that cursed hole, something even my own family and closest friends were not able to do.

Now, as near 40-year old fan of BTS, I face criticism and ridicule. They say I’m too old for BTS. They say that their music is bubblegum (without actually listening to it, mind you). You know what? FUCK IT. Say what you want to say, but these 7 men and their message saved me. They are my saviors. So I say bring it — the criticisms, the judgement, the mockery…bring it. No one can take away the fact that I probably would not be here today if not for BTS. I was spiraling out of control, and holding on to them brought me back.

How many of you can say you were able to do that for someone?