One thing I learned after I found out that I am suffering from depression was that this battle does not end. I do not mean that in a dark, sinister way — I just think that the journey to being better is a lifelong process. I say this because years after I was diagnosed, there are still days, even weeks when I feel like I’m drowning yet again. I am in one of those moments right now.
I was recently convinced to try and sign up for a dating site (the swiping kind) and I was very surprised to find that a lot of them actually found my photos remotely attractive. I tried my hardest to connect with some of them and even took a risk of talking to one over text. At first I was actively responding to his messages and his not so subtle flirting and hints of wanting to meet up ASAP. 3 days after however, the incessant texting took a toll on me and I blocked his number. I blocked his number for a week, and the guy even sent me a voicemail (a person you blocked can still leave voice messages, to my surprise) because he was “worried”. After a week and after my friends told me that I was too impatient and harsh and so quick to block, I unblocked him and invented some lame excuse as to why I was not answering him (he believed the excuse) and he started texting and flirting shamelessly (again) so guess what? I blocked him again, the same day I unblocked him. After that, I asked…what is wrong with me? Am I that uninterested in interacting with new people? This made me think and it reminded me that I am “alone” and that I will die “alone” if I don’t wise up.
After a lot of thinking (and putting myself down) I figured out the reason why. I am currently struggling to love myself, so deep inside I KNOW that I can’t let somebody in right now. I have to start taking care of me and accepting me before I ask anyone to do it. But how? How do I start? I know how to, I’ve been told what to do by so many people, but why can’t I do it? That’s the part I do not get about myself. If I am so unhappy, why can’t I take care of myself like I should?
Let’s pray I find the answer.